Dating with a BOX #2: Casper, I am not thy teacher
A modern tale of Ghosting and a lesson in avoiding drama & over-responsibility.
WHO: ….it’s bloody Robbo again! He’s back. (Please refer Dating Diaries #1)
Refresher for those of you that missed Entry #1: Virgo (read: tidy), Cute English Accent, 40, yummy tattoos, great chat & weird sense of humour.
No, he is not paid commission per appearance, but we thank him for his service the ample material he has provided for the Deadset Flog.
Rob and I match on Hinge. I speak first because I have giant lady-balls and kick-off some cheeky banter about a costume in one of his photos (I love animal prints…) - it’s very “burning man” so YOU JUST KNOW he’s fun and a bit kinky. After ascertaining he is appropriately weird/fun/gets my jokes, I suggest a move to voice memo – I like to be able to gauge what he would sound like when we are saying our wedding vowels in front of our nearest/dearest. KIDDING. Or am I….
We chat for a number of weeks, he is very active on the interactions – loving a multi-topic 5 paragraph SMS, a 3-4 minute voice memo, spouting his grand plans re: drinking of top-tier cocktails together. I have of course assessed Rob’s investment of his time in conversing with me and absence of 10pm “Hey. Whatchu up to?” texts and translated this to mean Rob is a great communicator and he is interested in dating me.
We have a minor hiccup in a reschedule of our initial date plans due to an oddly specific overlooked prior engagement involving fish pie:
Rob: Sorry I forgot, I can’t do Friday I have a Corporate Cooking class with Colin Fassenidge from MasterChef, it’s Fish Pie night.
Me: (Fish fucking Pie? Fish pie is random.) OK Rob great, I’m easy breezy, flexible – SUPER COOL with me. Knock yourself out making fish pie with an Irish man and 30 insurance brokers, we’ll do next weekend. Ding-a-ling see you there with bells on.
Rob and I have a 12-hour first date because we get along as the saying goes, like "A HOUSE ON FIRE”. Some follow-up textie times and a second date of similar longevity/merriment ensues (Yes, yes, yes little kinky minxes there were sexual relations as you are aware from Entry #1).
We are at the Date 2 “Farewells” segment: the simple “goodbye” sans an intention to “chat later” or sentiment of “I’d love to see you again” is a subtle but powerful message and I am now intuitively aware of what is likely to follow. Having not heard from Rob 2 days later but to ensure my own intentions are clear, I double check this theory by asking him if he’d like to catch-up on Sunday afternoon; Rob, (surprising to absolutely-fucking-no-one) says he has plans.
Rob subsequently pulls a Casper-the-friendly and is never heard from again.
3 THINGS WE COULD DO... and their alternate POWER MOVES:
1 Believe that Casper-Rob’s behaviour is a reflection of my worth
OK EVERYONE PAY ATTENTION. I cannot stress this enough: We MUST consciously set our own story in our inner dialogue here. If you don’t really believe it – PRETEND YOU DO!! (Your subconscious brain doesn’t actually know the difference…)
It would obviously be piss-easy to divert to thinking - what if he thought my box-flaps were funny looking? Or if my face didn’t sweat on his stomach while we were sleeping? (I run real hot, sleeping + spooning is my worst sweaty nightmare please don’t touch me), or what if I didn’t sleep with him on the 2nd date? Or was my butt too wobbly? Did I star-fish too much? What if I had abs? Or was I too crass and he wants a classy lady who wears beige?
But NO. This is not on me. It is highly unlikely I actually influenced the outcome here very much. And if any of those things did – Casper-Rob isn’t a person I’d like in and around my life or my KatBox. #ByeFelicia. I am a loveable, sweaty-faced spooner, all-round crass delight with stunning box-flaps and a fun jiggly butt who wears bright colours. This is my story. You can of course insert your own story here – or borrow mine if the shoe fits!!
2 Teach Casper-Rob a lesson in basic courtesy and communication
It is not MY responsibility to teach Casper-Rob how to exhibit basic decency, he has very clearly indicated the role he wishes me to play in his life is very much “not being in it at all”. I need not ride in on my high horse and demand to teach him. Over-responsibility here, will catch us in the drama cycle. Sure, it’s possible Casper-Rob will apologise but it’s also possible he will not or he will be pissed. By not undertaking a “teaching moment” with Rob, it’s a certainty I will not get caught up in any further bull-shittery and my energy is protected.
PLUS – how much time would go into “The drafting” of THE PERFECT message. Am.I.Right? What words strung together would hit home and be JUST RIGHT to make the person who just gave zero fucks about me 10 seconds ago… give ALL the fucks?! Trick question, this endeavour is futile.
Let’s leave the teaching to Rob’s Mum/Dad or perhaps he can enrol in an online course.
3 Reach out to Casper-Rob, requiring an understanding of WHY for Closure
Ask yourself here, what is the perfect outcome from asking the “why” question? What closure response would result in you feeling better about yourself? That’s our game here: looking after ourselves. Making sure we feel good, strong and worthy and we want to be our own best ally in this game and it often means finding our own closure.
There’s an endless number of reasons "why" and someone who has already demonstrated a capability in communication that is lower than that which you expect, may not be the best source for an honest recap of the “WHY”. Casper-Rob’s actions have spoken – he’s just not the person for you, that is the closure.
(I choose to be flattered about how much effort Casper-Rob was willing to go to get me into bed, if his end-game was to get his end-in. I’m not sure I’ve ever worked that hard for anything so kudos to Rob for his work ethic and commitment - But this we will never know.)
In Summation: We do not allow Casper-Rob’s behaviour to take anything from us or mean anything about us, NOR do we invest any more of our ever-finite fucks in Casper-Rob. We create our own positive inner dialogues to remain Kweens of our ladyverses.