Dating with a BOX #1: "But, WHEN???"
How my confusing mid-bang chat with Rob* can help us reframe "overthinking".
WHO: Rob*, Adult** Male, 40.
Tattoos - Yes please and also yes.
Love Island-esque British Accent - little bit cute.
Virgo, who folded up my clothing items discarded during our pash-fest "just so I wouldn't forget them" (my saucy wink must have led him to peg me as a gal who likes a fresh autumn breeze between my legs and would leave the house sans-pants) we all know Rob's inner Virgo was having an absolute meltdown at the chaos
We cut now, live to the middle of a little-bitta-couch sexy time in the eastern suburbs of Sydney (I threw in the location just so you'd know it's all class). I’ll not dance around the facts, there is actual P-in-V taking place. Anyways, as you would expect the gang is all there: we’ve got heavy breathing/exertion/sweating, a good time is being had by all. I will admit, Rob at this point has been carrying the team somewhat (my chakras are all out of whack for “receiving” energy, so I was just practicing guys - get behind me - don’t hate - there’s a time and a place for resting up and star-fishing it). SO, he stops, in need of a little hydration station visit. The following conversation ensues…
Rob: To be continued….
Me (blurts out): …..um, BUT WHEN!!!?
Me: Do you mean like, continued in 5 minutes or like next Tuesday????!!!
Me: Sorry, your statement lacked the appropriate level of specificity I was very confused about when the sex would be continued and at this particular point in time, that IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.
Most of you at this point are thinking insert tagline: “Tell me you overthink stuff, without telling me you overthink stuff". Some of you are 100% with me in your displeasure at this untimely cliff-hanger.
Let's Go Deep. (The pun is always intended)
When communicating, we have different information to other people – confusion or even conflict ensues when we assume the other person has all the same information as us and is going to deduce the same outcome from our statement that we did.
o Example: Rob assumes I know he means Team Peen will return for the second quarter after a quick beverage and an orange slice BUT.I.DO.NOT. And I am both internally confused and visibly distressed.
Asking more questions, asking for detail and specificity about a statement can help resolve or avoid a conflict as it minimises assumptions being made about what the other person means/thinks/knows.
o Example: Should I continue to assume Rob did mean next Tuesday, I would be angry at the prospect of the impending 3-day period of intense sexual frustration and lash out at him in his naked, vulnerable state (drinking H2O with his willy out) for not thinking of my feelings. Instead, I politely verify the details regarding the length of the interval – which Rob gladly verifies as “a hot minute” amidst a chuckle about my unfiltered outburst.
So let’s reframe here. What we see as “overthinking”, indicates a desire that we need more information - it isn’t always an unnecessary evil. Sometimes we actually need to use our desire (or create a desire) for further information, to fill in our blanks to avoid conflict.
Key to making this work is two things:
· The other person has to be available for comment and/or response
· You have to actually ASK THE QUESTION.
(Without those two little fingers in the pie, it goes back to being inner dialogue and typically the more ‘disempowering’ overthinking because there is no outcome or clarity).
*Names changed to a range of basic Aussie bloke names to protect identities. You know it still starts with an ‘R’ of course…
** We use the term “adult” loosely here as Rob displayed certain behaviours, such as “ghosting” indicating that despite being 40 years of age - he MAYBE had a little bit more growing up to do.