Harry Potter and the Wizard's Sleeve Boundaries....

Are your boundaries as loose as a wizard's sleeve? Perhaps you've actually gone full wizard [from playing with the wands too much] and they're now invisible?

Actual scenes of the available bandwidth in your boundaries? I Relate. Read On.

After my last blog (#ModernDatingisaBinFire) I am aware that you're all here for the tales of my latest spark turned fiery garbage blaze... but now from reading the first paragraph you feel all spotlighted, like "OMG shit, how does she know I texted *Brad* last night and ended up balls-deep in actual balls & actual feelings (once again) despite last week's overt declaration (for the 3rd time) that we are never doing this again". As you read that aloud, you realise now it will in fact be useful to learn about extricating yourself from the depth of Brad's balls and your related feelings, perhaps even more so than it would be to read about my latest date-trash-inferno.....

Boundaries are: SO.DAMN.IMPORTANT.

Boundaries drive experiences across your entire life to the extent that you interact with other people. Sounds like a wildly outlandish statement yeah? WELL from your romantic relationships, to your family, to your friends, to your work relationships, your boundaries will:

• Drive where you sit on the spectrum of feeling powerless to powerful.

• Drive where you sit on the spectrum of feeling unfulfilled to fulfilled; to the degree that you are willing to compromise on your wants and needs.

• Drive the behaviour you consistently receive, through what you are willing to accept from others.

• Drive the kind of people who surround and influence you

Fear not if you find yourself on the the Wizard's sleeve end of the boundary spectrum, as was my own personal brand of "magic" for many years, the most thrilling bit of this is: You are 100% in control of this. You CAN change how you experience interactions with others. You've got this.

In fact, you'll find the high experienced after successfully implementing / holding a boundary is quite unlike any other so save yourself the $302.50 and an ATM trip this weekend and read on.

CHRISTI MALTHOUSE, Boundary Rider? Not Really.

Of course one has not always seen me firmly holding the boundary like a stalwart Christi Malthouse for the Channel 10 AFL coverage on the perimeter of the MCG. In fact according to Wikipedia, Christi later hosted a show called Beyond the Boundary which sounds infinitely more accurate. I have been known to be found on the field [with ALL the players] playing the ALL the games. The game we are playing when we breach our boundaries however, is bartering our self-worth, wants and needs. And that's game rarely won, where the loss is felt deep [Not "good" deep - although I hear ya, you saucy minxes], the bad kind of deep that leaves you feeling rejected and powerless.

Me (circa many many times) watching myself on the field again

[Sorry NSW kinfolk. I fully acknowledge my shortcomings here as a South Australian in not having an NRL-related example for you but ya'll can just imagine the players are passing the ball backwards]

I see many a friend or fellow human giving themselves frequent tit-punches of frustration; many knowing what they want, or what they don’t want, but struggling when it comes to consistency of communicating and/or enforcing the boundary for how they want to act and what they will tolerate from others. First step is to put down your little tit-destined fists and stop trying to convert yourself into the chastity belt of boundaries by the sheer force of your self-castigation.

Texan Legend and Shame/Courage Expert Brene Brown says:

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others”

So let's break down some of the concepts and common resistance related to that, to help build some new though pathways to help you out of your Brad-uationship (or other unfortunate power-sucking situation):

[1] Having Boundaries does not make you a selfish ass-hat

[2] Having Boundaries does not make you a mean ass-hat

[3] Opening the [Boundaries] Kimono

[4] Low-key Flex

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[1] Boundaries do not make you a Selfish Ass-hat.

"I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION TO BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY OWN LIFE"

Say that out loud to yourself right now and see how it feels...*wink* bet it feels weird and strangely something else you haven't felt before. It's a super powerful style of affirmation, to give yourself permission to do something. In this particular case, allowing themselves to be put first is something many people are not used to or comfortable with.

It is actually essential if you want to be self-less and give more to others, that you allow yourself to come first. The ability to be selfless, generous comes from having power and energy within your self that you can use to give to others. If you you are in situations or around people where you constantly feel exhausted, uncertain, manipulated, taken advantage of because someone else's needs get to come first, this makes you able to give less not more.

[2] Boundaries do not make you a Mean Ass-hat.

People that value you will make efforts to respect your boundaries and will celebrate you taking steps to care for yourself. I present to you this brilliant quote from the world wide web:

“The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefitting from you having none”.

Let me be blunt here [from a place of fierce compassion] and say a person who tries to circumvent a boundary or responds poorly when it is enforced is saying to you: “What you want or need doesn’t matter to me”. You should be more outraged than a Double Bay resident finding out Albo’s recent superannuation tax change means they have to sell the 3rd boat . Better yet, what a powerful tool for reconciling in yourself that a poor reaction means you are so very justified and allowed to take out the trash (or know when it takes itself out, this is to be rejoiced). By this I mean, part ways or distance yourself from a person or situation. The fallout, although perceived as negative, is a positive in that it demonstrates this person is an unresourceful influence in your life.

One of the most important takeaways here is to remember: how people respond to your boundaries is NOT (and I cannot stress this enough) a reflection of your value as a person. It is not a rejection, it is not a judgement - it is a reflection only of that person's capability to support or give you what you have asked. Everyone has their own journey and is at where they're at, that needs to be OK with us.

[3] Open the [Boundaries] Kimono

I draw this well-suited phrase from my life as the unapologetic loveable saucy Corporate Wanker I am. Beneath the conscious action or words of a boundary is a much deeper subtext of what you want or need. In turn, the ability to hold the boundary reflects the extent to which you believe you are worthy of it or can get it.

As we draw back the flaps [….of the kimono, PLEASE.], right by the juicy thigh of the all the all-powerful tight Queen of tight boundaries is her reigning subtext:

I MATTER.

WHAT I WANT MATTERS.

And I am here to tell you, YOU DO and IT DOES. And it must matter to YOU.

Key in addressing the ability to enforce your own boundaries and set them with others is to become conscious firstly of the statement of what you want and why, then secondly of the subtext of your boundaries to help enhance their true importance and check-in on your comfort level or belief when it comes to the subtexts that are essentially statements of your worthiness.

Underneath boundaries we are saying:

· I need....

· I want....

· I deserve / I am worthy of ....

· I believe I can ....

EXAMPLES:

I want a relationship. If you don’t, I want to spend my time and effort on someone else that does so I won't contact you so I can move on and it would really help if you didn't contact me either.

[SUBTEXT: I believe I can have, and am worthy of having a relationship with someone who chooses me everyday]

I need to feel safe and free from anxiety so I will not surround myself with flakiness, inconsistency or people that do not show up for me.

[SUBTEXT: Feeling safety and certainty is one of my basic human needs, I deserve to feel safe every single day]

I am not going to check or respond to emails outside of the hours I get paid to work, so I can switch-off / be present for my family.

[SUBTEXT: I am choosing to make my mental health and happiness a priority, I need downtime and energy and I am making my family a priority]

Use the subtext of your boundary to work out what you’re having trouble saying and by proxy realise what you're actually sacrificing. Use these as affirmations to help you build your beliefs - realising their importance to your fulfilment and happiness, affirming those that underpin your desired boundaries will see them become tighter than a pencil skirt at a law firm.

[4] And now.........Low-key Flex.

This is not a “buy yourself a Javelin (from the Javelin store??) and see you in Peru 2024 for Track and Field” situation. It doesn’t normally look like Amateur to Olympics, or Wizard's sleeve to Tight-librarian-button-up blouse in 60 seconds. Give yourself time to learn and get better, in a shame tit-punch free zone. Maybe at first you put in a boundary and don’t communicate it, and quietly go about enforcing it as best you can for yourself. Then maybe you communicate it but don’t quite say the real reason you’re putting it in place (as it might feel a bit blunt/harsh). Then maybe next you go....FULL BOUNDARY.

Each time, make sure to recognise how each time was different from the last and how you moved forward. Notice as each time you flex your boundary enforcement, how good it feels to be doing this for YOU in alignment with what you want.

Final Word

• You've bloody got this. You Matter. What you want matters. Recall your power. Write boundaries. Affirm subtexts. Low/High-key Flex.

• Also, find out where they sell Javelins.